10 Aug 1921

10 August 1921

Chalet des Sapins, Montana-sur-Sierre, Switzerland

   Widoed
      by
  Katherine Mansfield
Jimmy! His boots! How can a person be dead when their boots look like that. When Geraldine Cullen lost her husband it all happened so quickly so unexpectedly and she was called upon for such a display of courage and

But just enough to keep one keen on one's appearance and so on. Otherwise one is apt to get grumpy .. . But I was only thinking the other night in bed love is really absolute torment for anybody. One is never at peace, one is always thinking about the other person, worrying over them or being worried over - which is just as bad. Whereas now I have time for myself I haven`t the constant feeling of a man in the background. Not that one doesn't like a man in the background now & again, said Claire, laughing & pulling at her fur. But not seriously just a little affair to keep one keen on one's appearance, otherwise one is apt to get grumpy or eccentric.
  But I can see my dear, said Claire, & she put her arms round Margaret & gave her a quick strained hug, you're not out of the wood yet. You're still in danger. Oh yes. She stepped away from Margaret & pulled on white suede gloves with quick little twitchy tugs, looking down at her hands. When she looked up her eyes were narrowed & cold, though her lips smiled. You'vc got to harden your heart my dear, said Claire. That's the whole secret. Harden your heart! Keep it hard!
  Margaret said something, it might have been anything, went with Claire to the door. The day was over - the air blew cold and under the light sound of Claire's footsteps running over the gravel path to the road she heard the long slow pull of the cold sea.

[KM Notebooks, August 1921.]